2020, and now 2021, has been rough.
I started this ~blog~ as a way to expel my solitude, and create community in a time when mine no longer felt existent. I hadn't seen anyone outside of my roommates in a month. I felt alone, and I realized that while it still felt new, it wouldn't feel that way for long, and I was scared. Eleven months later, I'm still pretty rattled.
I miss my job. I miss my family. I miss celebrating love at weddings. I miss being an extrovert without the feeling of anxiety that now comes with it. And as alone as this all makes me feel, it also forces me to realize how full of love my heart is. I f*cking love my friends. You people (not to sound too much like an AIM profile but...you know who you are) have gotten me through this year. You have given me strength through zoom calls, snail mail, (masked) Saturday hikes, venmo exchanges, and texts and dm's of gifs that say "hey this made me think of you." For Lent this year, rather than giving something up, I decided to make a promise to write every day. I have written in my journal, in letters to friends, and now here. And it has been a lot harder than I thought. As cathartic as writing is, it opens me up to feelings I otherwise would avoid or leave untouched. While telling my humans how much I love them, I have found tears rolling down my face. While writing this now, my dog licks the salt off of my cheeks. I know these tears come from a deep appreciation. An appreciation for discussing politics on Rexhame beach. For clinking glasses of $8 champagne to celebrate a promotion. For snuggling into a pile of warm laughter at girls night. For a heart-to-heart on the floor at 3am. For a spontaneous beer at a dive bar after a long day at work. For a drive (or a flight) to a familiar place and the BIGGEST hug when I get there. As horrible as the last 360 days have been - for a multitude of reasons - one of few silver linings has been this revitalized appreciation for my people. I have some incredible human beings in my life, and I need to apologize for not recognizing the power of that so much sooner. So guys...Thank you. Thank you for playing full cup flip cup over facetime - maybe one too many times. For providing a sense of normalcy and debauchery from the basement, or 3000 miles away.
Thank you for staying in touch - even if you didn't know how much I needed it or how helpful you have been. For sending texts, snapchats, dm's, and postcards. For packages full of dog treats, and venmos for coffee after a sleepless night next to Captain's crate. Thank you for your support - for knowing about the tough days and the harder challenges, and walking with me through them. For going to protests, and sharing links. For disagreeing, but never agreeing to disagree. For reading my sappy texts and posts, for pushing me to do what is right, for sharing similar interests and passions. For embracing me for who you know me to be. Thank you for the grounding thoughts - reminders that although these times are isolating, that is the safest way to be. For promising me that we can come out on the other side together again. For reiterating the fortune that we have shared: we are safe.
Thank you for being my friend. For being with me. For staying with me. For being "here" even when you are so clearly and unfortunately not here.
This will be over soon. And I feel implored to say thank you for getting me through it. For getting us all through it.
We do not tell each other enough how needed we are in each others' lives. How much love we feel when we walk into a room full of familiar faces. How warm our hearts feel after a night out (or in) together. And we have to. After this year, we have no choice - we absolutely have to.
So here I am, with half of my friends 3000 miles away, and the other half considering that same move. Here I am saying what I should say every day anyway.
To my people: I love you. Thank you. I can't wait to squeeze you.
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