“Coffee is a lot more than just a drink; it’s something happening. Not as in hip, but like an event, a place to be, but not like a location, but like somewhere within yourself. It gives you time, but not actual hours or minutes, but a chance to be, like be yourself, and have a second cup.” - Gertrude Stein
These past five weeks, I have brewed a lot of coffee. And I'm honestly not even drinking most of it - it just gives me something to do to get out of my own head.
Scoop one tablespoon for every cup of water.
Brew for five minutes.
Pour into my big red mug.
Get back in bed.
Repeat when I start to feel sad/frustrated/useless/lonely/anything-but-happy.
Every couple of hours my mind runs the same route - boredom turns to sadness with the world's current state, anger at myself for not constantly feeling grateful, guilt over being mean to myself, stressed about how many things I can't do right now, sprinkle in a few more irrational thoughts for good measure.
Then I get up to make another pot of coffee - slamming the door on those feelings.
Brewing coffee has become my new emotional reset. It's easy, isn't necessarily unhealthy, and most importantly, pulls me away from my feelings for 6-7 minutes. Then I get to go back to whatever I was doing before my emotions came by for an unwelcome visit, and ignore them while my coffee goes cold next to me. And I call this healthy coping.
We tell ourselves that avoiding our feelings is the same as dealing with them. That by ignoring, and temporarily shutting the door on them, we are forcing them out of existence. But if you slam a door enough times, it stops closing the right way. So if we don't sort through these feelings, closing the door softly, we're just waiting for it to pop open again.
A few years ago, after slamming that door one too many times, mine broke open. Then, because I didn't want to process through years of stale feelings, I created new problems. I started fights about things that didn't even matter to me, picked at pores that weren't dirty, reignited toxic relationships, cleaned my entire apartment at 1am, flossed until my gums were bleeding (or in one case, chipped a tooth)...I needed a solution to something, and I didn't even know what that something was.
I realized that I was not capable of feeling anything but joy. Not because I was so annoyingly happy all of the time, but because I would turn off any other feeling. Because I live in a relatively fortunate life, I could not allow myself to feel unhappy without also feeling guilt.
We as humans do a lot of dismissing. We dismiss our own feelings when they overwhelm or scare us, and we do the same when they start to embarrass us. When we start to approach the sadness we feel, the loneliness we endure, the jealousy we detest, we shut ourselves down by saying "I should be grateful," "I'm lucky," "I need to count my blessings," and other meant-to-be-positive-but-really-not emotional deadbolts. We get embarrassed by our feelings, because we can't explain them right now. We shut them out rather than taking a few minutes (hours) to realize what might actually be going on.
We brew a pot of coffee and get back to the real world.
My problem with this is that these emotions are the ones that count. All of these "bad" emotions are not meant to move on from, but to endure and learn from, and to really, actually, whole-heartedly feel.
I need to remind myself that sometimes. I guess now is as good a time as any.
So as frustrating as this time in my life is, it can also be positive. And it needs to be both - one does not work without the other. You never know comfort until you know pain, and you never know anger until you know joy.
So I need to practice self-care in more than one way. I need to practice gratitude, yes, but I also need to practice existing. And existence is messy, and sad, and beautiful, and wonderful. So now is a time to embrace those all-too-often ignored feelings, as well as to truly enjoy those that we take for granted just the same. Not only can I take a few moments to step away and brew a fresh pot of coffee, but I can spend the next several moments soaking up my feelings with each warm sip.
The world right now is scary. I am anxious most days, and during those days, most hours. I can't see my friends, my family, my clients or coworkers. But I can use this time to reflect on my love and appreciation for them just as often as I reflect on how much I miss them.
And after this is over, I can meet them for coffee, and cherish their stories mug after mug.
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